I don’t want others to see me. 

Deep inside, underneath the layers of dust and scars, is still a fragile heart, afraid that others might not like me or include me. I feel left out more than included. Even when others invite me to their table, the little girl who has felt different for so long emerges and yells at me to hide. 

In a crowded room with many people, I can smile, have conversations, and still hide in the shadows. It’s okay if people reject my flesh. I’m used to that. I’ve dealt with the stares, whispers, and sympathetic smiles my whole life. 

But the hard part is when I open the door of my heart and invite others to come inside and get to know the real me, and then they reject all that I am and hurt me terribly. 

It’s easier to handle the rejection and heartache if I expect it. The hardest blows, however, come from those I thought loved me, but then they used my vulnerability to shatter my heart. 

Sometimes, I don’t think real friendships or deep connections are for me. Or at least that’s what the enemy wants me to believe. He wants me to hide in the shadows so others can’t see the light burning in me. 

If we go really deep, we will see that the enemy wants us to hide from everyone and everything. He tells us that WE ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH OR WORTHY OF BEING LOVED so that we will hide our most authentic, brightest, best selves. 

What I’m about to reveal makes me sad and mad simultaneously. The enemy even wants us to hide from ourselves. And even believe that we can hide our truest self from God. 

Satan builds a real case against me. He drags up all the dirt he can find on me and then adds a little extra. He puts me down, and it all feels true in the shadows of the darkness. I can’t see the truth as long as I stay in the shadows. 

But oh, the power of stepping out into the light with shaky legs and hands and bringing all the pieces of me to the Lord. I feel naked and exposed as I put all of my brokenness before the Lord. It’s like a bunch of puzzle pieces in a different array of colors and shapes. When they are all spilled out, it looks like a mess. Some of the edges are dark; some are light. Some of the pieces are smooth, and others have jagged edges. 

When I place it all before the Lord, He does something miraculous with the pieces. God takes the hurt, disappointments, darkness, mistakes, faults, failures, rejection, and broken pieces and works them together. As He puts the different pieces together, they all fit perfectly. And when I step back and see what He created with all of my broken pieces, I’m amazed. 

God can take all the pieces, bless them, and then make something beautiful out of all the mess. When I look at my life from His perspective, I can finally SEE its beauty. 

If my life was only one piece, it wouldn’t really create anything beautiful. It would just be one shape and one color without any natural beauty. But others can SEE Him in my story when I allow Him to use it all. 

My life isn’t anything special in my hands. It’s just a bunch of trials, heartaches, and failures, but when God gets a hold of it, He makes something beautiful that others can’t help but see. 

It’s not me that I want others to see, but I want them to see God in me. Therefore, I let them see my brokenness and heartaches so they can see how God turns them into blessings. 

Photo by Hans-Peter Gauster on Unsplash

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