Regardless of the degree of our strength, we are all weak. In the recess of our mind there is always a flicker of doubt and self-pity. Sometimes we can keep those negative feelings at bay and others times they seep out and infect us. It’s during those hard times, when my fears materialize and make me question my God—as if I have any right, but still I do.
I wonder why God allowed the Amniotic Bands to affect me. I wonder why He didn’t stop them before they damaged my body. I wonder why He chose me to bear these scars. And in the midst of my heartache, I wonder why He didn’t just allow me to die. Why did He stop Amniotic Band Syndrome from taking my life? Why did He allow me to live, knowing life would be hard for me?
I can’t even begin to tell you how many times those questions have plagued me. I can’t even recall all of the prayers I’ve prayed (or tried to anyway), begging God to heal me and take my scars away. I can’t tell you the number of tears that I’ve cried.
And that makes the devil very happy, when he has us questioning God and blaming Him for, what we assume to be, the bad things that happen to us. The devil loves to distract us with our heartaches and make us forget all about God’s grace and mercy. The longer we wallow in our misery, the more we suffer— needlessly.
But, what if God has a purpose for me and my scars?
John 9:1-3 (King James Version)
1And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. 2And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? 3Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.
The moment I realized my life, trials and tribulations, could actually help someone else, everything changed. What if through my pain and suffering someone could actually see there is a God? I believe the harder life is for us and the more we suffer, the louder our testimony is for God.
When I realized God didn’t curse me with these scars, but He blessed me with life, my perspective changed. When I realized Amniotic Band Syndrome usually takes the lives of its victims, but God spared me, I found my purpose. The day I stopped weeping because it happened to me and thanked God for allowing me to live, I became a survivor.
Sometimes things have to happen so that people can see there is a God and He is in control. Sometimes God blesses us to see His miracles. Sometimes we look at situations and think of them as tragedies, when they are really blessings.
Without my scars and the limitations they cause me, would I even cry out to God? Probably not. But as it is, I need God to help me. My scars make me humble. They’ve taught me to be compassionate and loving. They’ve taught me to be optimistic and determined. They’ve taught me to patient and to find strength in the arms of my Lord.
Some people believe God gave me these scars because He deemed me strong enough to handle them, but I disagree. If people only knew how weak I truly am, then they would never again make the mistake of calling me strong. I know that I’m weak and I need God to help me make it through this life. I have to call upon my Lord, daily, and beg for His mercy and strength. In my weakness God is made strong.
I am so thankful God allowed me to live! I’m so thankful that He never heard nor answered my prayers of selfishness and self-pity. I’m thankful He allowed me to keep my scars and, finally, accept them. I’m thankful that every once in a while He allows me to suffer a little for His sake. I’m thankful that when it all seems overwhelming and the pain becomes unbearable, God comforts me. I’m thankful that God has placed obstacles in my way to lead me into His arms.
1 Peter 3:17 (King James Version)
17For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing.