Embracing the Edge: A Journey of Transformation and Focus

• By candidasullivan
• January 5, 2025
• No Comments

I will tell you something about me that you probably don’t know. It may even shock you a little. It did me when I realized this crazy truth about myself.

Good things and promises of blessings don’t truly inspire me to make a change. Sure, I may want the good thing. I may even work toward the goal for a time. But it’s not enough to push to me the beautiful edge of crazy, where I gain enough leverage to do whatever it takes to make it happen.

When I did the 75 hard challenge, the only way I could get up every day and do the list of tough things was an image in my mind. I imagined something horrible happening to my children if I didn’t do it. And just the thought of something horrific happening to my babies gave me the strength, courage, and determination to push beyond my preconceived limits.

Honestly, we all have dark corners of our minds. We can run away from those images or face them and use them for our benefit.

I was able to quit smoking, even though it had a strong hold on me for years. I conjured up in my mind something terrible would happen to me if I continued smoking. I imagined being on oxygen for my son’s high school graduation and not being alive for all of the moments in their lives.

The day I drew a line in the sand and tossed my last cigarette away, I was afraid to smoke again. Sometimes, I still wake up in panic, with my heart racing because I smoked in my dreams.

Sometimes, we need the proper leverage to propel us forward, especially if God encourages us to do something different or give up something bad for us.

God gave us all the freedom of choice. Even though we are free, we live in a prison of strongholds. We allow things to grab onto us and pull us under. Those vices steal our freedom, joy, peace, and the lives we secretly dream of living.

Satan entices us with things that steal our time, the enjoyment of our lives, our dreams, and relationships and has us settling for the crumbs of mediocracy when God has greatness for us.

Today, I reread my 2024 journal. It broke my heart to read how many times I brought the same things before the Lord. I asked for guidance, and when God told me exaclty what to do, I continued doing what I was doing and asked again—somehow expecting the answers to be different.

I often do this because the answer God gives me is too easy. I keep expecting something harder, but then I fail to do the easy stuff because I don’t want to.

Rereading our conversations gave me such clarity. It highlighted my struggles like a flashing neon sign and made me wonder if I could have figured it out sooner if I had reread them at the end of each week.

One of my biggest problems was a lack of focus. I get easily distracted by my emotions, other people’s emotions, and my desire to zone out and forget it all. I get distracted or overwhelmed and waste time going down the rabbit hole of time wasters.

Another one of my faults is faith without works. While I believe God wants to answer my prayers and take me to the next level, I fail to do the actual work that will get me there.

As I read through my journal, I wanted to step back in time so often and tell myself to please get back on track, stay focused, and just do what God told me to do. Oh, how hard it is to take a good look in the mirror, or in my case, my deepest thoughts, and be open to seeing all of my flaws and failures.

Even though I didn’t get to where I wanted to be last year, I am still so incredibly grateful that I wrote 60,288 words in my journal. I used to open my journals to find only a few entries and nothing but blank pages and forgotten dreams.

At least I fought for my dreams last year. I stayed present with them from the beginning of the year until the end and learned many beautiful yet hard things about myself.

I still haven’t figured it all out and have failed along the way, but I’m so thankful for a loving, forgiving God. He didn’t give up on me, even though I’m sure it was tempting at times. His mercy, grace, and love will see me through it all.

Right now, I feel like I’m so close to it all. Like I’m teetering on the edge of everything I have ever wanted. While the enemy tries to distract and encourage me to slip back into my old patterns, I’m determined to see this through.

I gave up social media to write more and pursue my dreams. I can’t create the life of my dreams if I’m too distracted and busy watching other people’s lives. I know I will miss things in my friend’s lives, and that awareness makes me sad. But I don’t want to miss my life and all the beautiful things God wants me to do.

It’s only been a few days, but I already feel so much better. While I am still posting my content, I am no longer scrolling. I am taking back control of my life, and that feels really good.