Reclaiming My Gift: A Journey of Purpose and Perseverance

• By candidasullivan
• January 4, 2025
• No Comments

I knew the answer without asking the question, but somehow, I wanted the truth to be wrong. I wanted to look back through my daily planner and magically see all the work I had put in—the hours and hours of writing time. Or perhaps the time spent researching so clearly displayed on the pages.

What I saw and wanted to see were two different things: my pages that were supposed to be filled with writing, researching, and speaking schedules were blank. Knowing the truth in my heart, I desired to run and forget all about getting better or accomplishing my goals. I didn’t want to sit with the Lord, exposed and ashamed, and admit my failures to Him or myself.

Oh, how I wanted to find perfectly curated excuses to explain why I had wasted yet another year. Surely, there was a reason. Well, that much was very true.

There was an explanation, but it wasn’t a justification.

The truth is that I only did enough to get by. Instead of writing the words of my heart and learning more, I wasted my time. Doom scrolling on social media was my favorite pastime, but being in other people’s business and trying to control them and outcomes came in with a close second.

The grief and shame of another wasted year washed over me in tidal waves. What could I have accomplished if I had spent more time writing and following the Lord? Who could I have helped?

God didn’t sugarcoat it for me. He didn’t tell me it was okay to waste all of my time on insignificant things. He did not give me some kind of positive pep talk about how we would get it next year.

The image that flashed before my eyes scared me and broke my heart.

I closed my eyes and sharply inhaled as His words seeped deep into my soul. What if this is the last time?! The last time you will get to write these goals down?

Next year, I won’t be writing the same set of goals and dreams on my board. I will either accomplish them or let them go. Both scenarios scare me and make me want to cry.

Do you remember when God gave out talents and gifts in the Bible? Some people used their gifts, and other people hid them. God took the ones who hid them and gave them to someone else who would actually use them. He also gave more to the ones who used them.

Tears spilled from my eyes as I thought about a life without writing, speaking, or dreams. Did I really want to hide my gifts and not use them to help others? Did I really want to let go of a dream I had been chasing for over twenty years without ever fully knowing what could have been? Or am I willing to do whatever it takes?

This dream gave me hope when I felt hopeless. It opened a portal to my soul and allowed me to get to know and understand myself truly. Writing has filled me when I felt empty and as if I were dying inside. It pulled me from the clutches of depression and set me on the right path. Learning to express my emotions through words and understand my thoughts in a deeper way has blessed me with the ability to help others in such a beautiful, meaningful way.

I am not willing to even consider the thought of losing this gift. God gave it to me, and I want to learn how to love, nurture, and use it in the best, most Godly way possible.

When I first started writing years ago, with a three-and-a-half-year-old and a newborn, I stopped watching TV. I wrote in the early morning hours while everyone else was asleep. Now that my kids are grown, you would think I would have all kinds of writing time, but I allowed other things to fill those spaces.

Social media has filled the time I used to watch TV, and delayed my progress. Somewhere along the way, I lost the urgency to write and allowed it to be something I squeezed in. I miss the girl who used to think about writing all day and then sit down at night and actually write with prayers and tears. I miss writing ideas on scraps of paper or napkins. I miss the excitement of writing a new book and watching it all come together on the pages.

The only way to make things a priority is to schedule them and find the time to do them. Writing is a non-negotiable for me. I will accomplish these dreams or let them go, knowing I gave it everything I had to offer. I could not live with anything less.

So, I will figure it out and pray that God will show me how to fit it all in. He wouldn’t give me a dream that I couldn’t do. The enemy is trying to steal it, and I will not allow him to take it from me.

Here’s to fighting back, taking control of my life, and showing up daily. If I only have 362 days to write, I want to make sure I get it all out—every last word. I don’t want to die or lose my gift without sharing and learning.

It breaks my heart for all that I’ve allowed the enemy to steal from me. I can’t get any of that time back. But I can start today with love and gratitude, ask God to forgive me, then forgive myself, and do better.