I Was Alive… But I Was Dying

• By candidasullivan
• January 16, 2026
• No Comments

Have you ever had a period in your life where you just existed in the world, but you didn’t really live?

I went through this many years ago. It was the hardest time of my life. I wasn’t able to work. I lay in bed most days and cried. I read books just to distract myself from the emotional and physical pain.

All I had to do during that season was get up and take my kids to school, and yet I struggled. My life felt so hopeless that I didn’t want to face it. I stayed in bed as long as I could. Then, after getting my kids ready and taking them to school, I came back home and crawled right back into bed—often crying myself back to sleep.

Looking back now, I realize that my depression was rooted in hopelessness. When I was told I would never get better—only worse—it broke my spirit. I accepted the diagnosis and stopped believing that healing was possible.

Fear took over.

It became hard to even leave my house. I lived with constant anxiety, convinced something bad was about to happen. I took three nerve pills a day and still had daily panic attacks. I remember struggling to breathe, feeling like I was going to die.

In many ways, I was dying—slowly.

Every day, we are either growing or dying. There is no in-between. My soul was dying because it had no hope. I couldn’t see beyond my circumstances or imagine a different future.

Then God did something beautiful.

He gave me the ability to imagine the life I wanted to live.

As I fell asleep each night, I pictured myself holding my books, surrounded by children. In my visions, I was healthy—free from chronic pain. Those glimpses of possibility gave me just enough strength to get out of bed.

Sometimes all it takes is one step in the right direction.

I began exercising every day. At first, I cried through the entire workout. Everything in me wanted to quit and crawl back into the safety of my bed. But I persevered. I fought for the life I wanted.

Instead of surrendering to my circumstances, I started praying.

Each night, I stood on my deck and talked to the Lord. I told Him my hopes, fears, and dreams, and He listened. God made a way for me to overcome what once felt impossible. With each step forward, He strengthened my faith.

When hardship comes, we all face a choice:
Lie down and give up, or fight for the life God is calling us to live.

God is a way maker.
He is our strength when we are weak.
There is nothing beyond His reach.

What is impossible for us is possible with God.

Luke 18:27 (KJV)

“The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.”