The Suffering We Choose

• By candidasullivan
• March 11, 2026
• No Comments

I’ve been struggling to sleep at night. I wake up in the middle of the night with my worries magnified. As I lay there wide-eyed, I think about all the potential problems that might come up in the next year. In the darkness, it all seems terrifying. Then, I wake up in a bad mood and struggle with my thoughts and emotions all day. 

Growing and changing seasons are difficult. They stretch us in ways we can’t always explain. Part of me wants to stay in familiar pain rather than venture into the unknown. That’s a big part of my struggle. I tell myself I want one thing, but my actions often contradict my desires.

We really do want to eat our cake and have it too. 

My prayers tell God one thing, but my actions tell a different story. I want to step further into my calling and do this work from my heart, but fear holds me back. I long to finish my book and create something that will help others, yet I’ve let the enemy distract me from writing.

I’m afraid of the discomfort.
Afraid of growth.
Afraid to step into the light.
And maybe most of all… afraid of never going all in and allowing God to work through me.

I’ve been reading my Bible and studying God’s word. He has led me to the exact verses I need. While I believe God, I still wrestle with the idea that His word is meant for me.

And that is exactly what the enemy wants. He wants me to doubt that God loves me and that He has beautiful gifts just for me. Isn’t that the way the enemy does us all?

He wants us to believe that God is good, but just not good to us. 

He is powerful, but He doesn’t want to use His power to help us. 

He has everything we need, but He won’t make a way for us. 

As long as we believe God is distant from us—watching from afar instead of walking beside us—we will struggle. The truth is that God loves us in ways deeper than our minds can comprehend. Sometimes, He allows us to struggle so we can grow. The growth makes us stronger and brings us closer to Him. 

So often, struggle chips away at everything in us that isn’t good. Our flesh wants to grasp onto resentments, grudges, and limiting beliefs. Honestly, it loves the old excuse of “I can’t.” When we believe we can’t, we set no expectations and quit before we even begin.

But when our lives are troubled, it forces us to see things we refused to see and do things we dismissed. It takes us out of the comfort zone of indecision and forces us to make a choice. 

That inner battle is why our stomachs ache and our sleep suffers. We try to ignore the Lord’s voice as He calls us forward, because our flesh wants to remain unchanged. But if we stay the same, we remain in pain.

It’s hard, sweet friend. I feel the weight of it all. I know God is getting ready to take me to the next level, and I’m afraid of it. I don’t want to be. But I am. That’s just me being honest. 

Courage is being scared to death and doing it anyway. God reminded me that my life is not just about me. When I make it all about me and what I want, then I suffer. When I let my fears become bigger than my faith, I suffer. When I procrastinate the things God wants me to do to satisfy my flesh, I suffer. 

Regardless of what we do, life will involve some suffering.

The question is this:
What kind of suffering will we choose?

The suffering of obedience…
or the suffering of disobedience?

1 Peter 3:17 King James Version

17 For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing.

I don’t know God’s plan for me. I don’t know all of the steps or hardships along the way. But in my heart, I want to follow Him and let Him take my life and use it according to His will. 

Today, I drew a line in the sand. I don’t know what the next step looks like, but I know I want to take it with my Lord. If I’m going to spend my time crying and praying, I want it to be for strength and guidance, instead of misery and the price of disobedience.