Tears, Tantrums, and Trying Again

• By candidasullivan
• July 18, 2025
• No Comments

I have tears in my eyes and ugly words swirling in my mind. Today, I want to quit. I want to shut off my computer, log on to my TV show, and zone out. I don’t want to feel all of these uncomfortable feelings. I want to start tomorrow, next week, or next month. I’m just not ready.

My insides feel like a toddler having a temper tantrum. I’m alternating between crying and eating snacks to help with the discomfort. Right now, I want to be mad at myself. I want to tear myself apart with the brutal truth and all the condemnation I can muster.

But another part of me feels compassion for the person underneath it all, who is afraid of the next step.

Pursuing my dream and following the Lord is more challenging than I imagined. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s even possible. That’s my problem. I’m standing between two opinions. There’s a part of me that wants to do it, and another part that’s too afraid.

I’ve wasted all day riding the emotional and procrastination rollercoaster. It’s exhausting and so very draining—the battle between the inward and outward person.

My soul wants to follow the Lord, and my flesh wants to procrastinate a little longer. But I know that action is the way to overcome procrastination, so I sat down and started writing. I’m not trying to make this sound great. I’m just trying to start. Today. Right now. In this moment.

Tomorrow never comes. It’s a day when we schedule our actions, but they never happen. We lose so much of ourselves in the hope of tomorrow.

There will come a time when I will have no more days. All of my future events will never happen. So, if I want to do something, or more importantly, if I need to do something, it must happen today.

God sees the spiritual warfare attacking me. God knows how to help me. To stay in a place of doubt and fear is my choice. I can stay here and make all kinds of excuses, or I can cry out to God.

The enemy wants to make us feel as if we can’t do it. But with God, all things are possible. Therefore, I need to begin with a prayer. God can help me with the problems I can see and the ones I can’t. He is my waymaker.

I have free will. I can do the things God puts on my heart, or I can numb myself and ignore it all. One will lead to great blessings and the other to deep regret.

So I’m sitting in the discomfort and choosing to feel it all. As the waves of it all wash over me, my heart whispers, Help me, Lord. And He does.

The enemy makes it all seem so difficult because he paints us a picture of us doing it all alone–without the Lord. But when the Lord shows up, He chases away the fear. He knows what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. We just have to be willing to do it.