It takes courage to just be ourselves. Sometimes, however, we need our courage to go deeper than ourselves. We need to explore and be willing to grow. Lately, I have become content with my life. I like being boring. I enjoy staying home. My idea of fun is to read on a Friday night. I don’t like parties or really even shopping. I hate when I’m the center of attention. I’m an introvert to my core.
Honestly, I never ever dreamed that I would be doing TV interviews, sharing my story on stage in front of hundreds of people, doing live videos or sharing my deepest heartaches. It is so hard for me to push the “Go live” button on Facebook or do videos on Snapchat. All of that was never part of the life that I had envisioned for myself. I wanted to be the person behind the screen writing that no one ever saw. God, however, had other plans for me.
While I have done many things that He has asked of me, I am still holding back. In the last few weeks, I am seeing this more and more. So many wonderful opportunities have come my way in the last few years, and I have found a reason to refuse each and every one. Even when I agreed, I still hoped that the person who wanted to interview me would change their mind. Or that the trip to California that I had agreed to would never happen. I had a reason to not go to Sweden, New York, Texas, and Florida. Even Virginia Beach was too far.
I believe that God has big, amazing things for me and I am standing in my own way. I believe that once I agree in my heart to do it all, He will start to open the doors for me. Sometimes I still feel like the little girl who shoved her hands in her pockets. I feel so small and so unworthy to do this job. I’m just being real. But I’m working on myself.
I’m learning to be brave and self-compassionate and how to acquire coping mechanisms. It’s not easy to open my heart and allow others to see my deepest fears and heartaches. Hiding in the shadows, however, is not comfortable anymore either. Right now, it’s really quite painful because I want to do it. Every level of success has a new devil. The enemy knows how to lure me away. He knows how to make me sabotage myself. My Lord, however, knows the ways that I take. He knows how to help me to overcome it all. God knows exactly how much pressure to apply, how much courage and heartache that I need, and how to help me to become willing to do it all.
In order for God to use us, I mean really use us, we have to come willing in our hearts and desire His will. It’s so much more that just wanting to do it. So I’m working on getting out of my comfort zone. I started with this vulnerable post. It doesn’t matter what other people think of me. At the end of the day, it all comes down to this. What do you think of yourself? Are you living the life that God created you to live? That one really hurts me to answer. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m on my way. Sharing this is my acceptance. Lord, I’m ready when you are.
Love and blessings,