Writing about the heartache always helps me, so please bear with me as I go through these challenges.
If we were to take all of my challenges and list them on paper, just looking at the facts without considering my determination and heart, then we would probably all conclude that I’m not able to work any longer. When we factor in all the time I spend getting chiropractic and osteopathic adjustments, exercising to relieve the pain, and time I spend hurting because of overuse then it just makes sense for me to stop. Rest. And focus on being well.
In my mind, these suggestions make perfect sense to me. I hear the doctors, as they tell me over and over again to rest. I sigh and fight the tears every time they tell me I’ve traumatized an area of my body by working too much. At this point, quitting would seem the logical choice, but how does one do that?
As my body heals from not doing anything, what happens to my spirit and heart?
For ten months, I didn’t work. And that was the hardest ten months of my life. The part of me that hoped and dreamed started to die. I cried every single day. I didn’t have co-workers, accomplishments, interactions with people, or a sense of self-worth because I didn’t do anything—but rest.
My hands became so stiff that I could barely hold a coffee cup or even sign my name. I didn’t care about my appearance. Most days, I didn’t even get out of my pajamas. All I had to do was take my children to school and I struggled. The depression hurt far greater than the physical pain of overusing my body.
Fear overwhelmed me. I became so afraid of hurting myself that I tried to live inside a safe haven. Soon everything terrified me. My hope, faith, and strength diminished, and I felt so weak. I lived with the negative voice in my head, and it was hard for me to see anything positive.
Somewhere along the way, all of the negativity about my health had multiplied. I had stopped living and only existed. I don’t ever want to be in that shape again.
This is my life and I refuse to allow anyone or anything to take it from me. God has blessed me with a beautiful life. I have one of the greatest jobs in the world, and I refuse to give into the enemy.
So as I take a few weeks off from school visits and speaking engagements, I am praying that God will show me how to handle the next phase of my journey. I know He has a plan for me. We are not finished yet.
I may have to modify my life, but I won’t give up on it! I’ve worked too hard to give up now. After all, I’m the only one who can tell my story, and do the work He has purposed for me. Giving up is not an option for me!
Thank you for listening. May God bless you!