This morning, I struggled to get up. I woke up at my usual time and got up, but instantly my body hurt. The pain overwhelmed me and I went back to bed. Was I sleepy? No. I was emotionally and physically drained. I didn’t want to face my day. I didn’t want to make my coffee because at that point it hurt to even lift my shoulder.
Finally, a few hours later, I got up. My mood, however, was not pleasant. As I went over all the things that I wanted to accomplish today, a sadness washed over me. How? My mind demanded. Followed with a reminder that if I push too hard during the day, then I can’t sleep at night.
To escape it all, I decided to workout. I figured my favorite workout would lift my mood and help me. A few minutes into it, I burst into tears and I cried throughout the remainder of the workout. Not really because of the physical pain, but because of the emotional pain. As I was throwing punches and crying, I was able to give it all to my Lord—the control, frustration, disappointment, and fear.
Regardless of how strong we might be, when we live with a chronic condition it gets really hard sometimes. For me, right now, it’s knowing that I have to stop working my shoulders and arms and allow the muscles, that I’ve fought so hard to develop, to weaken. As the muscles waste away, then the restriction on the band with lessen and I will have less physical pain—hopefully.
While it may seem like something so small to someone else, it’s a big deal to me. Because it lessens my hope that I will ever get better. I may not be fighting for my life, but every day I fight for the quality of my life. For years, exercise has been my plan. Now I feel so vulnerable because there’s nothing that I can do to control the pain in my arm. Exercise was my control.
Maybe this is what God has wanted from me all along. Total surrender. I can’t do it. I can’t heal myself. While I can do things to help myself, the healing with come from Him. I am also reminded of what we have overcome together. I’ve been in worse shape than I am now, and He has helped me to overcome it. My percentage rate for getting through the hard times with Him is still 100%.
Even after all of my tears this morning, I have hope in my heart. I believe that my God has a plan. I believe He sees my challenges and my efforts, and it is His pleasure to help me. Sometimes the darkest times in our lives is right before the blessing occurs. So I’m holding on. I don’t know how He will help me, perhaps it will be the laser therapy, but I do know that He will help me. If He doesn’t change my circumstances, then I believe that He will change my mindset about them.
This is just another bump in the road. Soon I will add the overcoming of this trial to my list of praises for my Lord. I shared this today because I want you to see that I still have tough days, but even on the tough days, I know where my help comes from. When I am weak, He is strong.
Love and blessings,